Understanding relationships

It's one topic at a time. You can read it or click Listen: the phrase that sounds is color-coded.

When a couple needs help

All couples have arguments. That's not the problem. The warning sign is always arguing about the same thing and getting nowhere. Or stop talking so as not to argue. Or feel more roommates than mates. There is also a concrete crisis: an infidelity, the arrival of a child, an illness, a change of job. It's easier to ask for help early than it is to do it when there's already a lot of damage.

Sources: 1 (see Sources tab)

Patterns that wear you down

Attacking the person instead of talking about the problem: you're being selfish. The contempt: mockery, sarcasm, putting your eyes in the blank. Defensiveness: Responding to each complaint with another complaint. Shutting down: going silent, walking away or looking at your phone while the other person talks. They show up in almost every couple at some point. The problem is when they become the usual way of talking.

The circle of chasing and retreating

A person insists, asks and complains. The other gets overwhelmed and walks away. The further one goes, the more the other insists. Both suffer: one feels lonely and the other feels attacked. The enemy is the circle, not your partner. Seeing him together already changes the conversation.

What is couples therapy

It's a space with a professional who doesn't take sides. It helps you understand what's going on and talk differently. The most widely studied models are behavioral or cognitive-behavioral couples therapy and emotion-focused therapy. The sessions focus on communication, agreements and liaison. Between sessions, specific changes are practiced at home. The goal isn't always to stay together. Sometimes it's about deciding right and separating without destroying yourself.

Sources: 1, 2 (see Sources tab)

Does it work?

Trials show that couples therapy improves relationship satisfaction. The effect is of medium size at the end of the treatment. At six months, the improvement continues, although it is minor. At twelve months, the available data do not show that the improvement is maintained. That's why it's important to keep practicing what you've learned when the therapy is over. No clear differences have been found between the two most studied models.

Sources: 1, 2, 3 (see Sources tab)

When there is fear or violence

If you're afraid of your partner, your safety comes first. Violence, threats and control are not a communication problem. In such cases, couples therapy is not the first step. In Spain, the 016 line handles cases of gender-based violence. It is free and leaves no trace on your phone bill. In an emergency, call 112. You can also talk to your doctor or a psychologist alone.

Common myths

"If there's love, no effort is needed." Relationships need looking after. Going to therapy means we're dead. The sooner, the better. The therapist will tell you who's right. He's not a judge. My partner has to change first. Changing one already changes the circle. Happy couples don't argue. They argue, but they fix each other.

Tips for each difficulty

Choose the area that weighs the most on you today. Mark the pattern you're going to practice and it'll be kept in My plan.

Talking and listening

Most discussions are not about the subject, but about the form. Changing the form changes the outcome.

Talk about yourself. I said I feel lonely when... instead of you never...One specific complaint. A fact and a moment. Without "always" or "never".Ask, don't reproach. Say what you want to happen next time.Repeat what you heard. So what hurts you is that... before you answer.Take turns without interrupting. Three minutes each. Use the watch if you have to.Choose the moment. Not in a hurry, not hungry, not in front of other people.